The Lovestory

"I love you…"

"Hmm?"

"Never mind."

"Seriously, what?"

"…"

"Lex?"

"Nothing important."

Purposefully observing the tiny virtual soldiers flickering across the TV screen, I felt truly uncomfortable. I could practically feel the weird look on Sam's face: a concoction of puzzlement, disappointment and ire, directed straight at the left side of my face.  It took a few moments of Sam's one-sided staring contest before he finally turned back to his game.

I couldn't believe I'd just said that. Again.

Sam's old and ever-creaking couch – which he, for some odd reason, insisted on calling Missy – made a slight protest as I stood up jerkily. I made fast robotic movements to the kitchen, quite falsely recalling the abandoned popcorn – simply a personal excuse, nothing more. As typically in such a situation, I could practically feel the burn of his gaze on my back. Call it guilty conscience or what you may...

"You've been acting weird lately, you know..." Sam exclaimed quietly as I sat back beside him. "I...I know...sorry..." I murmured. The game went on pause and Sam turned around in his spot to face me. "Lex, you know you can tell me, what ever it is that's worrying you. That's what best friends are for, you know...it's not like I'll tell anyone. Don't you trust me, or what's up?" I kept my eyes fixated on the frozen soldier, midway of blasting at some alien with his massive bazooka. I didn't dare look to my side, didn't dare look at him...couldn't be sure what I'd confess next!

"No...it's not...that..." I knew I sounded shaky and unstable, but there wasn't much to be done about it. I could and would've told him if it were anything else at all, but I couldn't tell him...I just couldn't...

"Hey," he said in beckoning tones, leaning in towards me, trying to analyze my expression most likely. He's good at reading people, which makes me afraid that he'd be able to tell what's on my mind if I look at him, even in passing. "you can't hold me out forever, Lex. What ever it is that's bothering you bothers me as well...it can't get any worse simply by you telling me, can it?" I shifted my eyes slightly towards him, settling to stare at his bomberman tee. His shirts were always so tacky, but they were one of the many things I loved about him. He was so silly in his clothing, with his gaming, his personality...

If this wasn't it, then it'd never be it.

"Sam..." I whispered, closing my eyes, slowly counting to three in my mind...

One.

I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks – I'm very well sure that he could see me blush. I've always been the nervous and shy one out of the two of us...

Two.

One more number and my life might take a leap for the worst or the best, what ever may, come faith. I really hope for the best...oh my God, feels like it might burst...my heart, it might burst any minute now...

Three.

Now...

"I love you."

The silence that filled the room after my whispered confession was terribly unsettling. I didn't dare open my eyes. The silence, it stretched and stretched and stretched on...I could read the situation. My insides felt really numb and queasy. Tiny droplets prickled at the corners of my eyelids, willing for me to open them and let them flow their course, rushing down the contours of my face and cheeks. One thing I was going to promise myself and keep today – I would not cry.

"Uhh..." I said, still keeping my eyes shut and head faced downwards, my medium length hair partly veiling my face. "I guess...well I...umm...I gotta...go or...stuff, you know..." I stood, turning as quickly as I could, edging away from the scene of my broken heart, my broken dreams, glad to get out of it, glad it was finally out in the open. At least I wouldn't have to wonder about it in the future.

I didn't cry on the walk to the station. I didn't cry on the bus. I didn't cry when I got home. I cried in between the comfort of my warm duvet, mr. Huggles – a furry, white rabbit – hugged tight to my chest. This. It was the worst feeling yet. I never wanted to feel it again. Ever.

                                                         * * *

Woke up. Took a bath. Ate breakfast. Watched TV. Ate lunch. Read a book. Played video games. Ate dinner. Watched TV. Went to sleep.

Days went on by incredibly slowly. First time in my life I wished the summer holidays would creep by faster and school would start...first time. Time went on by in a routine motion. I did the same things everyday. In a funny way I wished I'd kept my secrets to myself, at least that way I'd still have Sam...even though it would've been beyond awkward, me and my feelings...

I switched off the TV. It was merely quarter past six in the evening, and I had nothing to do, literally said. I was dead tired of watching TV or playing video games or such...and that was just about what my "free time" ever amounted to. That's all we ever did, Sam and I...or yeah, we did do other things, like...talking about stuff and walking around aimlessly just...hanging around and stuff...

That was it; I needed to get out. I was at the start of my life as a woman-and-ten-cats-person. Being too cooped up for too long with yourself and your doings can mess up anybody's head. No wonder I felt so utterly bored.

I decided to walk up to the abandoned park we always went to...Sam and I. It wasn't literally abandoned, since it never had any houses near it or anything. It's just called the abandoned park for the reason that it's in a place that people don't walk by very often. Oh, but it's beautiful in summer, the trees all a lovely matching green with the carpet grass, the lawns adorned with pebbles and small stones, set in different arrays of colours alongside the ponds and pathways. Very beautiful. The ducks are friendly too, unlike in other parks I've been to. I just think that animals naturally don't like me, as weird as it sounds. Every park, excluding this one, I've had ducks relating with me in a near-to-hostile manner. Weird birds. Sam always said with a sparkle in his eyes that it was me that's weird, not the ducks. It was nice watching the water glimmering under the rays, the ducks all fluff and boisterous as ducks were...just clearing my head.

"Lex?"

I'm guessing I startled at the sound of my name as my head hit the low branch I'd been sitting under...

"S...Sam...?" An uneasy feeling gripped at me – It had only been two weeks. I hadn't gotten over him. Don't think I ever will. Wasn't sure I'd be comfortable in his company...I really liked him and...he didn't feel the same.

"Hey." He said, his usual mischievous-looking smile all over his features as he sat beside me in front of the shimmery pond. "Didn't think I'd find you here." He said. "Tried your house, but you weren't there...so I...thought of looking elsewhere."

I looked to him. He'd been looking for me...? I couldn't grasp it...there I was, murking and moping about, thinking I'd lost him forever...

"Why were you...looking for me then?" I asked, in a timid way holding my head up for hope. I wouldn't still mark it impossible...but not to expect too much...

"I just...I missed you." He said unblinkingly, staring straight into my eyes.

I felt my throat tighten. In a way I could imagine him taking back his silence, rendering it with a confession of his own. Maybe he was about to confess, who knew!

"I don't...I was thinking..." He stumbled on with his words. He took a deep breath. "Lex, I mean, I'm sorry I can't respond to...you know, the way you feel but...I wish we could still be friends...could we?"

Hmm, confess? Maybe not then... For a brief moment I could feel the tears puddling up again, my throat and guts tightening even more in disappointment than before. Then the feeling went away as fast as it had come. Sam and I'd been friends since we were six. Who was I to change that, why would I give up our friendship?

I smiled and leaned to hug him. "It doesn't matter. Just as long as were friends. Best friends."

He hugged me back, tighter and more intense. I heard him sigh, "For a moment there I thought I'd lost you..."

I just smiled. Even though my heart still ached and would for a long time to come, at least I had what I valued the most: my best friend.